Sunday, October 16, 2011

Top Ten Worst Science Fiction Covers: Fancy Pants Protesting: Ignoring my blog

Behind my neatly ordered armies of Classic Literature on my bookshelf resides a swamp of torn covers, folded back pages, grease spotted titles - a veritable swamp of, well, Science Fiction and Fantasy. 

Not that my Hardy, Maugham, and D.H. Lawrence (etc, etc.) ever go unread! I love them just as much as the books I stuff in the back - but the covers. 

Dear Sweet Jesus of Nazarene.  

If you are not an ardent fan of Speculative and Science Fiction - get thee to a book aisle.
I can even see your return from said book aisle now, eyes blinking in confusion, nose wrinkled in disgust, saying:

"Who would ever read that shit? Who??"

Well, sir. I do.

But why, oh why do they have such FUCKING AWFUL COVERS???  Dear reader, HAVE YOU SEEN THEM?! These authors are masters of their craft - yet must have surely given the cover page job to a poor drunk cousin they felt bad for, saying "Have at it, Andy. Just don't get your liver disease and jaundice on the final draft before you send it."

Here are the top ten worst ones:
Take a look at anatomically incorrect women bearing massive swords!

But wait. I wanted to include some of mine.

Don't laugh, Muthafuckas. 

     Just about all of Robert Jordan's covers are epic failures. The bodies are never correct - even to an untrained eye. I took the most basic of art courses, and damn. This fucker's shoulder is GROWING OUT OF HIS NECK.  Oh, and he has a size 27 waist with 52 inch shoulders. To better defeat darkness with, I assume.

     There are scads more with worse covers I could post - but the back of my bookshelf is a mess, and I'm not re-organizing the whole damn thing just to show you. So just giggle quietly to yourself and thank your deity or lack of, that you do not have a fetish with a form of literature that INSISTS on embarrassing itself. 

On a related note. Why are you reading this? Shouldn't you be OCCUPYING WALL STREET?

     I, like many people, have mixed feelings. Should there be a protest? Absolutely. But should it be because the middle class is feeling the pinch now? No, you idiots. No.

     Listen. My income is in the lowest 10th percentile. I don't have health insurance. I do hold a full time and a part time job. Have I "occupied"???

     Fuck no. I can't take the time off of work. The day before payday all I had for dinner was a can of chickpeas. I'm sure as hell not occupying nothing but a goddamn grocery store when I get paid. 

     And that, my friends, is the sad truth about America. I support and cherish those struggling, those counting pennies and tightening belts to make it to the protests, those people for who it is not easy to protest - but I'd simply like to kick the middle class brats who are mad because mommy and daddy won't pay for college, or because they have to stop shopping at Hollister and work a shit job.

Interestingly enough, I'm feeling a bit irate at the art scene. I'm talking about those people who "wander" around the country in a wannabe Kerouac style, pretend to support themselves off their art - but really have ol' Mom or Dad wire them money to subsist. The people who know that - ultimately- if they get tired of the hipster-artist existence - a plane ticket home is just a phone call away. 

They dress up and go to the protest - look! We can have fun and protest too!



It's actually members of an art collective based in Brooklyn.

This was an photo taken at Occupy Times Square within the last day or so. 

     That's the image that will burn into my brain when I clock in Monday, wishing I could represent my class, and myself.

     And I'm judging harshly. I know. 
But instead of trying to squeeze out time and money to rally and protest - I find myself thinking, "What's the point?"

     These days are crazy and tumultuous, and I find myself wondering at the intense public wave of sorrow of Steve Jobs passing, while Troy Davis is long forgotten after a few weeks. 

     P.S. Yes, I have a Mac. No, I don't really care - other than the general, vague compassion one feels at a stranger dying. He had the best care possible. Steve Jobs backpacked across India tripping on acid in his youth. He had a full life. DON'T WASTE YOUR TIME FEELING SORRY FOR A DEAD STEVE JOBS.  Too many events are spinning themselves out - countries crumbling, keeling over with debt or war. People, like Troy Davis - are already forgotten. 

It's almost as if the world doesn't want to really remember, doesn't really care. As long as there's T.V. dinners and Dancing with the Stars. 

To those still reading - thank you. My updates are rather sporadic, sometimes just a line or two, due to scheduling conflicts of life in general. Mea Culpa. Those blogs I read and comment on, I truly enjoy (or enjoy riling). 

I'll leave on a positive note. 

"What do you call a one-legged woman?"


Get it? Do you get it??



  1. Oh hai, neighbor! It certainly is... cozy here in the bottom ten percent, isn't it? At least we have each other for warmth! Like to talk more, but I have to groom dogs today -- dogs who bite me, scratch me, shit and piss on me, all owned by upper class bitches who get to feel "in touch" with the lower class when they are friendly to me; they don't invite me to lunch or to go shopping with them, but hey! That's okay! We're all the same, right? And besides, I really don't have time to do martinis today because, after grooming, I've got a coupon for a 4 lb. bag of sugar at ACO and another coupon for -- I shit you not -- sweatpants at Walgreens.

    *off the soapbox*

    All right, bizotch. I'm bringing out my Edgar Rice Burroughs covers to scan sometime in the next few days. And maybe some vintage Bradbury with martians, but those aren't that bad. The old Conan covers, though? Whew!

  2. Personally, I have a 27 inch waist with 52 inch shoulders, but I understand I am a freak of nature. I like your commentary on this Occupy Wall Street phenomena. And you're spot on. But it's always like this, isn't it? We are a self-serving race, and the middle class, in which I once was and am now firmly again, entrenched doesn't care about the poor, except in theory, like a fleeting foreign rights issues or Sally Struthers on late night TV. It is money, and until people's personal financial stability is affected--and I mean as in "my"--no one is getting off their ass to stand on a street corner. Now that the middle class's 401 K plans have a taken a hit, suddenly it's a crisis. It's been a fucking crisis for a long time. Though I am "middle class," when my wife became pregnant with our son just a couple years ago, we weren't. We had no insurance, and it was remarkable the number of "middle class" folks who would say, "Well, there's Medicaid"... It's fucked up, Jenny. Like Brett Dennen sings in "Ain't No Reason," it's always been this way, and it ain't ever gonna change. Unlike Brett, however, I don't think "love" is doing shit about it. Nice post.

  3. Yay! Great to hear from you!

    But Nohooo! on the covers. I love them! Srsly, art-love! They´re so crazy they work, and they speak volumes I tell you! About what? you say. Well, that´s for you to find out, young lady... Layers, I say, layers =)

    I have a few of those myself, proudly displayed I might add =)

    Interesting post this, I´m learning stuff =)

  4. Bohn: Becky! I missed hearing from you! Truly! And your soapbox is always welcome here. AND by the way - hilarious. Free sweatpant coupon? I HAD NO IDEA! Damn girl. Post said book covers and those lovely fleecy things.

    (Not to overkill - But uh, do you have a Bruegger's Bagels or Ben and Jerry's anywhere near you? Because If you sign up at their website you get free stuff (bagel/creams cheese and ice cream respectively), and on your birthday too. My birthday is coming up, and I'm dragging my boyfriend out to fill up on these freebies. Also we've each signed up for free bagels and made a cheap date of it. *Commence extracting self from exchanging thrifty tips*

    But sweatpants? You've topped me easily. Isn't shit like that funny? I find myself alternately making fun of/patting myself on back those thrifty things. They must be horrid looking sweatpants.

    And I've some snooty women around toting their little dogs in designer doggy purses. Dear. God. I really hope you don't get those ones.

    Joe: I think your head may be 52 inches around. Geez. Lay off the protein shakes. (Just razzin' you!)

    And yes - I work as a preschool teacher, and about half my kids are on Medicaid. And there are some chunks in that program that really should be filled. Not to say it isn't helpful - families utilize it - but it DOES NOT cover some vital things that I feel the kids in my care should have had.

    Thanks for the comment - I find myself more and more at odds within myself for wanting to join this protest, hating being chained to that time clock - but loathing what this issue is becoming.

    After some chick on VPR said she was protesting because her parents couldn't afford to pay her way at The New School I WANTED TO GUT SOMEONE. Actually, I wanted a few shots of hard liquor, cigs, and then a gutting knife - but you get the point.

    My boyfriend is from the middle class like yourself - and before he never realized people in America had it so hard - I think many middle classers have that mindset (yourself excluded, but you've also had an unconventional history to say the least). Some people just don't know. Living poor in America is not as bad as other countries, not by far - but goddamn, it's still rough.

    After this post, I actually had an exchange on FB with the dude in the picture, in the tall chef's hat. He's graduated from a prestigious college, dodged ALL his loan payments, and his parents have bailed him out before with plane tickets home, etc. He ironically was one of the bohemian 'artists' down here in Burlington.

    Dear God. I really wish you could have seen the kind of shit he tried to feed me about this being protest being exciting, how I should embrace it. And to make it worse, he was in the Huffington Post cover online. I want to gag.

    Thanks for your thoughts regardless, though - you've made valid points - I just wish there were more people making them too.

    asugi: You're right. They do work. TOO WELL.
    LOL. I love, will always love my sci-fi. And they do work, those large bosomed women impeccably bad bone structure.

    You're a braver woman than I - I cringe when people ask what I'm reading, and am seriously considering fashioning my own paperback book covers, one that says in bold print REALLY SERIOUS LITERATURE. CARRY ON.

    Ah, so good to hear from you! Keep the pen moving. Post more.

  5. Hey, I´m a preschool teacher too! Wow! I´d so like to compare experiences, ideas, curriculums etc. Hm, will practise my English and my fast-writing skills first =)

  6. Ah! This could be interesting!

    It's definitely not what I went to school for (Well, ok. Neither is bussing tables, but I do that too). But I did get in because 1) I had human services experience, and 2) I did have a minor in Psychology, and lastly 3) They have hideous turn-over where I work. Most of the people who were working when I was hired are now gone, and the people hired after them gone also.

    We must write of this more - I'll likely bug you on your blog. I'm thinking curriculum overseas must be more advanced than ours here.

  7. Yeah, those covers are hideous! Kind of like the book cover of America right now. Sure hope the ending is at least good.

    Some of my favorite pro markets are sci-fi and fantasy - the writing is top notch. I find the same problem with horror books too. Some of the covers do no good for the quality of writing inside.

  8. I feel rather similarly: I have a clutter and jumble of thoughts running through my head thinking about the Occupy Movement. And then when my 'hood got hit up in the news for the tear gassing and everything else, I was even more letdown.

    And Steve Jobs...

    I actually got jumped on for saying pretty much the same thing on facebook, but I wasn't miffed, I intentionally stirred the pot, people were like 'why do you scoff at our sympathy for his faaaamily' and I was like, seriously. I have friends who died at age 18. Dying happens. He wasn't my hero. I like my mac and my iPhone, too. In fact, I still have the iPhone from 2007, it was made that well. But it seems as if there are so many other big, big things to worry about.

  9. True that. I own a Mac, my first from in college - and it's held up for years. But I don't see a point in building a shrine, through ethernet or otherwise when like you said, so many big, big things to worry about.
    Thanks for your comment - checking out your blog shortly :-D

  10. Hey there Jenny -- great to see you posting. I had to track back a couple of pages to get here. Your book covers made me laugh -- they truly do suck, no disrespect to your book collection, as I, too, tend to love the fishy contents (unless it's anything to do with Gor, in which case the contents can be pretty much the same as the cover).

    Jobs is gone -- he was just a man -- and if you can afford to make those circus costumes, you may be more than a few steps away from the dude on the street. And, ironically, can afford to protest.

    Chickpeas ala boîte de conserves? Mmmm. Been there, down the back of the sofa hunting for cash so I could eat. A while ago now, but it does kinda (definitely) suck. If it ever gets really bad, just don't go the cat food route, which a friend of mine got to.

    And I did like Eileen. :)